What a year 2020 has been

 I know I haven't written in a while.  I do keep a handwritten journal so all is not lost.  2020 has been the craziest, worst year of my entire life.


We got hit with Covid.  This virus turned all of our worlds upside down.  From wearing masks while indoors, keeping 6 feet apart from other humans to completely isolating, especially if we've been exposed or have had the virus, it has affected us profoundly.  Everyone I've talked to has mentally suffered due to the isolation.  


I kept working through it all though.  Our store remained open (we were considered essential, so we were lucky to stay open and to have jobs).  All non essential businesses were closed.  So many without jobs, without a way to support their families.  So much suffering.  Here we are in 2021 (almost 2022) and we are still dealing with this virus (there are 2 mutations, vaccination controversy, and all that).  We'll be dealing with it for a long time I believe.


Bring us to November, 2020.  Bob was sick one weekend.  Finally convinced him to go to ER and turns out he had a heart attack 2 days prior.  He was in the hospital in Newark Beth Israel.  I traveled there every day to be with him.  He was pretty sick the first week, getting better the 2nd week, had a 2nd heart attack and was on life support the 3rd week.  


The love of my life passed away November 28 2020.  That last week I didn't see him much.  Monday they stopped all visitation due to Covid.  His dr got me on a list to visit on Friday, as he was that critical.  He was gone the next day.  It was Krista's 15th birthday.


I am so grateful we were able to have a funeral for him.  With Covid, so many have not.  We had a viewing and a funeral mass, and a celebration of life after.  He was creamated, and we had his urn at home for a while.  His monument was being made and engraved, and September 2020 we were able to lay hime to rest.  


The kids and I are ok now.  I still cry pretty much every day.  I miss him so much.  There are so many times I feel like I can't do this alone, take care of the house, yard, the kids.  I feel like a failure.  It's so hard doing everything alone.  And not having a partner to talk to, embrace, and just be.  I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  I am really really suffering not having him here.  I have that dreaded feeling in the pit of my stomach all the time.  A HUGE piece of me died with him.  We were supposed to grow old together, he was supposed to walk our girls down the aisle, we were supposed to be grandparents.  There is so much I had planned for our future.  But this goes to show that it's not our plan but God's plan.


We were blessed to be with him when he passed.  It was me, Allie, Angelina and Alaina.  The other kids were on FaceTime.  When he took his last breath, when his fragile heart stopped beating, we were holding him, as he made his way to the next world.  It was bittersweet.  As much as our hearts were hurting, I was grateful that his suffering was over.  I was grateful that he had such great care while in the hospital.


I am eternally grateful for the time we did have together, and for our children.  I will carry him in my heart forever, love him forever, and cherish what we had.  I pray for him every day, and will until the day I die.  




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