Trauma and PTSD

This is me. In order to understand me, where I am and where I'm going, you need to understand, or at least know, where I've been. I haven't always been confident, self aware, happy with myself. I've been a work in progress for some time. 

I've been pondering this post for over a week. I've thought about forgetting about it, but simply, I can't. I'm going to call my experiences what they actually are. Trauma. 

I suffered severe trauma as a child, and throughout my life. There are those that don't believe it, or don't believe things happened the way they did. But that doesn't matter. They don't suffer the consequences of severe trauma, but I did, I still do. 

Trauma comes in many forms. For me, it's not just the abuse I suffered, but also not being rescued from said abuse.   Simple comments can cause trauma for me. The list goes on and on.  

You see, as a result of my experiences I had very little self worth. I wasn't worth anything, especially love.. I hated myself. I had no confidence, no self worth. You see, I walked around numb all of the time. It was easier not to feel, than have to deal. To others I looked fine, like nothing was ever wrong. Like everything in life was perfect. 

But through lots of therapy, and unexpected triggers when least expected, I've been forced to deal with my trauma.   I can be riding my bike or waking, and I go under a tree with moth cocoons. The scent is overpowering and I stop in my tracks. I can walk into a room, and smell a certain perfume, and I stop in my tracks. The smell of the air after a summer rain, stops me in my tracks. 

I can't even begin to explain what ptsd means to me. What it does to me. It's always been my first diagnosis, and is still on my chart, but I was in denial for so long. But no more. I need to dea with my trauma so I can truly move on. 

But the thing is, I needed to realize that I was the only one going to take care of me. No one else was going to. Living the way I was, it was a miserable meager existence. I started doing things for me. Living life for me...going to therapy and groups for me. When I changed my "why" of doing these things, my life started to change. 

I started a makeup business, and it's been just what I need. I feel loved, uplifted, empowered and validated. Being a part of something bigger than me, where I am loved for who I am, and consistently and constantly being encouraged, my only regret is not joining sooner. This has been the best thing for me. 

So today, I am doing well. I am a work in progress. This is me!